A horrible after taste

It's come to the point in my life where even something as meaningful as the verse "“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace that surpasses all understanding will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus”(Philippians 4:6). Doesn't even give me reassurance. There are so many other verses I could find that would try to give me faith that there is a reason, control, and an end to this. But, my jaw is clenched and I've finally started to cry. I really hoped it would never come to tears.

I finally became a big girl today and drove myself downtown for my second interview with this local faith based non-profit. It was rough. I was scared. I'm not one to drive places that aren't right down the street or that are very familiar. For goodness sake, the last time I went down there someone else went with me. Well, anyway. I finished up the interview in about an hour and heard a "I'll call you by the end of the day to let you know...I have another interview." So, either way I would actually hear a "yes" or a "no." Now that I have heard the "no," I think it is better to not hear anything than to hear the "no." I want to curl up in a little ball, not because I really wanted this job, I did, but because I heard the interviewer say, "You aren't right for the position." If it was written on a piece of paper I could just throw it away. If there wasn't an answer, period, I could just shrug it off. This way, though, I have this horrible after taste in the back of my mind, all I can remember are those words, "You're not right for us." I don't know what I'm right for. I don't know if I'll ever know.

But, whatever it is I am right for, the things I'm not right for have left some horrible after tastes.

Another serving of those amazing cookies

The phrase "I hope to see you tomorrow," turned into "wear something comfortable when you come in, we're going to go to the site after we talk." That really does sound exciting. The thought of being employed, even for a year, like this, is exciting.

Excitement comes from the fact that I'll also be doing something I want to do, if I do get this job. I will be working within a non-profit and with people. There will be no computer, no telephones to answer, and a meaningful purpose. I get tinglingly thinking about it. But, I don't want to talk too much before they've said, "You're hired."

Whatever the outcome is, the feeling of someone thinking I'm qualified enough to work for them is like a long awaited second helping of those cookies your grandmother makes only during holidays. They're amazing and only come once in a while.

White Chocolate Chip Fudge

Things feel new today. As per usual for this week, I was dressed and ready to find myself a j-o-b by 10 am. The interview with the local faith based non-profit went well. There was a "I hope to see you soon," instead of the "It was nice meeting you," and a shuffle out the door. The feeling was all a bit new, kind of like the fudge I made later on today, white chocolate chip.

Let go...

While I was in Dallas I learned a lot about prayer and giving things up to God. I felt like I had done that in so many ways when I went there for the summer. I could have moved back home and started my long journey into the unemployment world sooner. Or, I could have met some of the most amazing kids, and leasons ever, first of all, giving things up.

On one of our last days of the internship, one of co-workers spoke about the his graduation and what he was struggling with. Was he going to go work some entry level marketing position or was he going to go with his heart, mission work? The struggle he fought really struck me. It stuck with me. I never did get around to saying thank you to him, though. Thank you to this co-worker for letting me that it is okay to tell God that, "I don't know what to do. Please help." And sometimes you have to wait for an answer. This whole situation that I am in feels like a really long waiting period. Way too long. I pray about it and seek out answers by looking for opportunities but so far things haven't quite come together.

While things haven't completely come together, I have gained enough confidence to at least stepped out of my comfort zone of monster.com, craigslist.com, and careerbuilder.com. Earlier this week I did go to that job fair and today I spent a good chunk of the day out and about trying to find something to do. First, I went to a pretty large job fair put together by the newspaper and then hopped, skipped, and jumped over the highway to a temp agency. The temp thing may be a good step, but we'll just have to see. I have something else to look forward to.

I returned home to a message on the answering machine. Apperently, people do, sometimes, leave voicemails. After resolving some issues over an e-mail. I set up an interview for tomorrow with a local faith based non-profit for another internship like position.

Letting go is very hard. Sometimes when you think you've got it all "gone" it really isn't. Asking God for direction is hard too, because, we are human and are blessed with insecurities, self confidence issues, jealously, and all those other bad things. But, then I remember that one verse that my summer began with, "For I know the plans for you." Jeremiah 29:11.

That lying bitch!

This weekend I took the initiative and dug through the newspaper for job fairs/lame jobs I could handle. I ended up going to a job fair about five minutes away from my house. The perk was that it was about five minutes away from my house, and that was about it. I got all dolled up and went over the hills and through the woods to this place we shall call Boring Insurance Company (BIC).

Well, BIC's job fair was basically shuffle the applicants in and out, fill out an application online at the site and schedule an "assessment" for a later date. There were so many damn people there that they told us to fill out the application at home. So, I procrastinated a lot and filled it out about an hour ago. Woohoo! Yet another online application.

So, online applications are fun. You can be whoever you want on your application. Anyone you want. You can be Mother flippin' Teresa or Paris mother fucking Hilton ... if you know how to answer the questions right. Since I did get a degree in psychology I decided at the start of the job hunt that I better not lie on these things because tests catch liars. But, now it seems like liars get farther ahead in life then people that don't lie. Based on this conclusion, I decided to lie during the BIC application process. I was all psyched up to lie on their personality section, but turns out I can't even pick the right questions to lie on. I suck at life, apparently. The question was, "How long was your longest job?" Yeah, I can't even lie about that. So, damn! When I clicked the continue button the nice little screen that is the equivalent to "It was nice meeting you," came up. I just about cried. First, you make me sit around in shoes that give me blisters for two hours and then tell me I don't qualify for a job because I haven't held a job for a year because I just graduated from college? Eat shit. On to the next job.

At least I have a tiny bit of a chance at an AmeriCorp position at a non-profit downtown. Good lord, please call me back.

While I was stewing my wonderfulness that was the BIC experiment this weekend I got a hold of this amazing quiz, the ICI American Civics Quiz. It was fun, and I think everyone should take it. It made me feel like an even more of a failure. And I couldn't lie.

I think the moral of this story is that I cannot tell a lie and that even when I try to tell a lie I fail. So, if there is someone who wants to hire someone who is a new graduate and honest, I'm out there.

Different verse

It may sound like I'm whining about not having a job, and to some people I talk to, it is. Even two posts into this blog some may get turned off. I'm sorry. I'll shed a tear when you stop reading. I feel like it's adding a new verse to the song of unemployment, though. Yesterday's verse was the introduction. Today's verse is about the life of an unemployed college graduate.

It does get old, I mentioned it before. Hearing Barbara Walters and Joy Baher talk about their lives without husbands and how lovely it is is just painful. I mean, seriously I don't give a rats ass what famous person or what rich Italian Jew you slept with. But that is what I watch in the morning. Not that I don't like the View. I love Elisabeth and Shari. I want to be Elisabeth. Since the day I found out she was blonde and conservative I knew I would like her. After rolling out of bed at 11, I eat my fruity cheerios. They are the highlight of my morning, maybe even my day. Who can say that their breakfast is the highlight of their day, honestly?

Along with cereal being the highlight, I also enjoy a good hunt on craigslist for a job that I won't be getting a call back about. Yesterday it was a match support specialist for Big Brothers and Big Sisters of South Texas. Today it was something more minimalistic, an adoption specialist for a large animal adoption agency in the area. Granted, I did send it at 4:30 in the afternoon, I hope that pouring my heart out about my puppies will help my case for a job. Whatever it takes, you know?

I don't know if I can pour my heart out about insurance claims though. I did apply for a job with All State insurance today, as well. I always get afraid of getting near monster.com. I really don't think they'll look at my application. It's worth a try though. I can't say I didn't put it out there.

I'll do whatever it takes. It's going to have to do pretty soon. That's what the second verse of the song will be. ""Whatever it takes."

An Unsettling Feeling

Well. I'm coming to you from the comfort of my bedroom for the past nine years. Yes, that bedroom. The dreaded bedroom of youth. It's that same bedroom that I had sex, smoked pot in for the first time, and studied endlessly throughout high school. Two of those are lies. You decide which two. This bedroom is very unsettling, much like the feeling of unemployment. I have changed my bedroom. I have many pictures of my college years. There are pictures of my many friends and I drinking, a few shot glasses, and pictures of children from my internship that I hoped would lead me to greener pastures. Two of those are true. You decide which is the lie. Another part of this unsettling feeling is the fact that I don't know when its going to go away. It needs to go away soon. But, how I don't know.

So, let's take a look at how this all started. I did graduate from a division III NCAA school. I have the diploma to prove it. Two days after my 23rd birthday I trekked up to Dallas, Texas, from San Antonio, Texas, at the height of the NBA finals for a non-profit summer internship that I could have turned into an 11th month adventure. Not to say it wasn't an adventure, it was an amazing thing. I gained many amazing friends and experiences I wouldn't trade for anything in the world. I question my decision to not jump at the chance to apply for the year-round position in the middle of the summer. I stood by quietly, much like I usually do, and said to myself, "Maybe someone else should have it." I mean, $11,000 and food stamps for a year during basketball season in Dallas sure doesn't sound like a good career move, does it now Spurs fans?

And that leads us to the most recent series of events. After my internship, and a few months after the Spurs won their fourth championship, I made the trip back the San Antonio. I started the job hunt quickly. Seriously, I even got a phone call from some woman in Dallas about a Case Manager position for the YWCA. That was a ginormous bust. I was so stoked about that for a while. I've learned from the past few interview (there have been three) not to get my hopes up.


My hopes are about to break. I'm not one to give up on God. I'm one of those people who listens to those stories of people who give up on their faith and have always thought of life as a "plan." When I feel like life isn't going the way I thought it should, I think, "Oh, the plan." No worries. If I were to get upset about plans, I would have been upset by the time I was 11. I was never a cheerleader, I never had that mustang, and I sure as hell never had that hot football player boyfriend. I didn't get married straight out of college and neither did I get that dream job. I think it's the job thing that's getting me the most upset.

After I got settling back in this bedroom where I'm writing tonight, I bought three books. Velvet Elvis, Searching for God Knows What, and This Beautiful Mess. I decided that I wanted to start reading since I didn't have any school books to read anymore. I breezed through Velvet Elvis. I liked it. I took a break from Donald Miller after reading Blue Light Jazz. I had heard so many great things about him in Dallas. And, when I saw Searching for God Knows What on one of my co-worker's beds over the week we were at camp, I thought it would be a good read. I guess I got burned out because I haven't picked it up in a while. I picked it up again today, after thinking that maybe God may be why I haven't been getting where I need to be. Maybe my first interview was a fluke, my second one was with a place I didn't want to work, and the third was with a place I didn't need to be at the moment. But, now, without getting any calls for a week, and still sending out resumes, and searching for things left and right, God may be saying I need to look at him for the answer instead of all these websites and staffing agencies. Of course, I can use these things as well, but maybe I need to be looking to Him in combination. I just need to give it a chance again.

I feel like I'm running out of time though. I mean, there's bills to be paid. A hospital bill due on the 4th, insurance, a credit card, and a cell phone bill to pay. These are all things that the second I graduated were all my burden. Oh, and don't forget that loan that needs to be paid. Goodness. I just want to scream! So, maybe that's where the unsettling feelings are coming from. A combination of all these things. Whatever these combinations are I'll be in this room for a while.

There's a light at the end of the tunnel... shining bright at the end of the tunnel...keep holding on...just keep holding on now. -Third Day