An Unsettling Feeling

Well. I'm coming to you from the comfort of my bedroom for the past nine years. Yes, that bedroom. The dreaded bedroom of youth. It's that same bedroom that I had sex, smoked pot in for the first time, and studied endlessly throughout high school. Two of those are lies. You decide which two. This bedroom is very unsettling, much like the feeling of unemployment. I have changed my bedroom. I have many pictures of my college years. There are pictures of my many friends and I drinking, a few shot glasses, and pictures of children from my internship that I hoped would lead me to greener pastures. Two of those are true. You decide which is the lie. Another part of this unsettling feeling is the fact that I don't know when its going to go away. It needs to go away soon. But, how I don't know.

So, let's take a look at how this all started. I did graduate from a division III NCAA school. I have the diploma to prove it. Two days after my 23rd birthday I trekked up to Dallas, Texas, from San Antonio, Texas, at the height of the NBA finals for a non-profit summer internship that I could have turned into an 11th month adventure. Not to say it wasn't an adventure, it was an amazing thing. I gained many amazing friends and experiences I wouldn't trade for anything in the world. I question my decision to not jump at the chance to apply for the year-round position in the middle of the summer. I stood by quietly, much like I usually do, and said to myself, "Maybe someone else should have it." I mean, $11,000 and food stamps for a year during basketball season in Dallas sure doesn't sound like a good career move, does it now Spurs fans?

And that leads us to the most recent series of events. After my internship, and a few months after the Spurs won their fourth championship, I made the trip back the San Antonio. I started the job hunt quickly. Seriously, I even got a phone call from some woman in Dallas about a Case Manager position for the YWCA. That was a ginormous bust. I was so stoked about that for a while. I've learned from the past few interview (there have been three) not to get my hopes up.


My hopes are about to break. I'm not one to give up on God. I'm one of those people who listens to those stories of people who give up on their faith and have always thought of life as a "plan." When I feel like life isn't going the way I thought it should, I think, "Oh, the plan." No worries. If I were to get upset about plans, I would have been upset by the time I was 11. I was never a cheerleader, I never had that mustang, and I sure as hell never had that hot football player boyfriend. I didn't get married straight out of college and neither did I get that dream job. I think it's the job thing that's getting me the most upset.

After I got settling back in this bedroom where I'm writing tonight, I bought three books. Velvet Elvis, Searching for God Knows What, and This Beautiful Mess. I decided that I wanted to start reading since I didn't have any school books to read anymore. I breezed through Velvet Elvis. I liked it. I took a break from Donald Miller after reading Blue Light Jazz. I had heard so many great things about him in Dallas. And, when I saw Searching for God Knows What on one of my co-worker's beds over the week we were at camp, I thought it would be a good read. I guess I got burned out because I haven't picked it up in a while. I picked it up again today, after thinking that maybe God may be why I haven't been getting where I need to be. Maybe my first interview was a fluke, my second one was with a place I didn't want to work, and the third was with a place I didn't need to be at the moment. But, now, without getting any calls for a week, and still sending out resumes, and searching for things left and right, God may be saying I need to look at him for the answer instead of all these websites and staffing agencies. Of course, I can use these things as well, but maybe I need to be looking to Him in combination. I just need to give it a chance again.

I feel like I'm running out of time though. I mean, there's bills to be paid. A hospital bill due on the 4th, insurance, a credit card, and a cell phone bill to pay. These are all things that the second I graduated were all my burden. Oh, and don't forget that loan that needs to be paid. Goodness. I just want to scream! So, maybe that's where the unsettling feelings are coming from. A combination of all these things. Whatever these combinations are I'll be in this room for a while.

There's a light at the end of the tunnel... shining bright at the end of the tunnel...keep holding on...just keep holding on now. -Third Day