Times are a changin'!

It was recently noted at work that "they're dropping like flies!" Yeah. I mean, that's not even an understatement. If there was a mass elimination challenge in a reality TV show and my managers were the writers, this would have been the best ratings weeks the Nielsen's ratings have ever seen.

With all the pressure applied to "do this, and do that, and if you don't you'll be fired...." lots of people have quit. So many that we've gone from about 30 people to about 15. Yeah. So, my mediocre performance is now amazing and my dedication to the job that I do have is just damn near admirable. This all came after the manager we were hired on with, left this job for another cushier job a few blocks away in the medical fields.

In come Captain Amazing. He champions a positive environment, an actual bonus, and lesser expectations (the older higher ones were even too high for a kiss ass like me). We'll just have to see what Captain Amazing has in store for the job, because hopefully, someone will call me soon about a job I actually enjoy coming to on a daily basis

Weather and its impact on life

This week's weather has been horrible. I don't think I've seen the sun at all. It's been under 65 degrees four of the five work days and rainy/foggy for all five. Driving in it is horrible and working next to a window with a constant reminder of the crappy world outside is even worse.

So, I chose not to think this weather would affect my work ethic, but in some aspects it did. By the time I could feel the temperature dip below 60 I felt like curling up in a little ball, saying "I quit," and leaving. Well, that would be ridiculous, but I know some people did it because we lost some more people, again. I just don't understand that. Anyway. This window seat I have looks out to the highway and everyone driving on it. I want to go shopping every second of the day instead of doing my job. I just daydream about being in one of Lexuses I see driving by at 3 in the afternoon on a Tuesday. Do those people work? Have they ever worked a day in their lives? Were they just lucky? Do they know what we do in the office they drive past to get to their ritzy shopping center? Most probably not...but the weather just gets me thinking about how horrible life can be sometimes.

Then, I snap back into reality and say, "What the heck are you thinking? You have a house, a family, a job, and most things you want in the world." Quit your whining. I thank God every night that I have the things I have. I also ask for the strength to continue on with what I'm doing. It may not be where I will be in the future, but I do have the faith that it will lead me to where I need to be in my life. I don't know where that future is, and honestly knowing where that future is kind of scares me. All I know is that the sun will come out, some time. Maybe not tomorrow, but sometime. I just need to be patient.

A Pressure Cooker

If I wanted to work in a hot, steamy, and pressure filled environment after graduation I would have moved to California, auditioned for some reality TV shows and kicked some ass. I settled for turning my training class into a reality TV show at the beginning of this blog (see Training Class Episode 1-2 for those entries). However, I feel like this job has really turned into a reality TV show now.

On Tuesday managers came up to each and every one of us, individually, and previous to those individual evaluations we had later in the week, and said, "if you don't do ____ number of sales by the end of the week I can't guaranteed a job next week." I was having a particularly good day that day so I just shrugged it off, but by Thursday I couldn't sleep, had a stomachache and wanted kill myself. Friday came around and I told myself, "I'm going to work super hard so I can do what they want me to. This isn't the job I want, but it is a job that pays the bills." But, half way through the day I pretty much relegated myself to failure. It was complete crap. I was nearly to the goal they set for us at the end of the night. Nearly in tears, again, I gathered my things and turned towards the door; thinking that I might as well put the things I just moved to the desk in the back into the bags that they came in.

This pressure cooker feeling is not one I've ever been familiar with. It's horrible. I've always been one to do the things necessary to get the job done and never have been reprimanded for it. It's just ridiculous. I just want to punch all these men in their suits and ties in the faces.

Well, that feeling kind of subsided when, as I was walking out the door, the same man who told me I may not have a job next week, said "don't worry, you're fine," on the way out. But, this is also the same manager who is employed by the same guy who said I had a chance at a senior sales position. So, maybe I should get those bags packed.

Say What?!

A while back I was review by my managers. It was a good review. Pretty awesome, actually. I was one of two people who weren't getting yelled at for something or another, attendance, quality of something, not doing something right, etc. So, I was shocked and amazed when I was shuffled into an office today and asked to sign a sheet of paper that implied that I was slipping down to almost an "involuntary dismissal" for the lack of equal sales. Basically, it meant that I wasn't selling enough of some things. What the hell? Are you serious? H

I walked out of the office composed, no tears, no emotions, just confused. How did I go from 100% everything to almost being fired? Say What?! So, needless to say, that gave me the green light to look for another job. If you're going to tell me I'm not doing well with what you're giving me, and not helping me at all... I might as well say "adios."

Just pray it doesn't take as long as it did last time to find the "second job."

Denied

In some sort of way....

So, the application for the week in California was lost in the internets somewhere. The HR Gods did not receive it. I went to my managers after hearing about the interviewing all my co-workers were doing. I let them know I clicked "enter" and that I wanted to at least talk to someone about it. So, my manager, who is a bad ass, called them up and set up an early morning interview for me.

I arrived early and was the first person to be seen yesterday. The interview was getting settled and I was patient for her to get settled. As the interview started she started to get a bit snotty because I wasn't answering questions directed towards the position, they were answers pointing towards "previous experience" that the question asked for. So, she pulled out the sheet and look me in the eye, "Were you aware of the qualifications for this position? 1 year of experience in this that and the other...." I was like "Well, education substitutes for that, doesn't it?" And she gave me an evil eye back, "Psychology doesn't deal with sales. Honestly, I have no idea how you got this job to start out with...this is an opportunity for you."

No idea how I got this job to start out with!!!!??? Are you shitting me? Have you seen some of the people this place hires? Without naming names and being nasty, they aren't the brightest bulbs or crayons in the box. So, she didn't recommend me for the second interview because I wasn't qualified. Oh well. There's always a next time. If it were a regular interview I would have left the room not expecting a returned phone call for a follow-up. No worries, but I did have to go back to work. And emotional, because that's just the way I am. I was all collected, but my eyes were just a bit red still. My training manager asked me what was wrong and I said, "So and so said she didn't know why I was hired." By the time I returned from the bathroom things were escalated to employee relations.

I'm not sure what's to come of the events, but whatever they are, I was denied.

This Beautiful Mess

I've recently balanced my grown-up life with my unemployment life. In my grown-up life I had no time to go out, to see my friends, or even to read a good book. With this short 4 day break I've gotten a combination of all the previously mentioned things done.

So, this reading this is nice. It puts me at ease, mostly because I read books by Donald Miller and Rick McKinley. Donald Miller always gets me thinking and this more recent book that I've opened by Rick McKinley, This Beautiful Mess has just made me feel very relaxed. At the end of some of the chapters he's placed some poetry. I'm not much of a poetry person, mainly because I just hated the literature I read in college. My professors can shove all of it up their asses, but that wasn't the point. The point was to share the poem with a few people that happen upon this.

Ahab's Song

in the dirt i used to kneel
idols fixed upon vain hopes
blocks of wood brought down with weight of prayers spilled
but you came and stole my heart
now i pray to ears unstopped
i am watched over by eyes i can't outrun

you are God alone
lesser gods before you scatter
to the winds like sand
for you, the God i love
i lay down my broken iodls
following your steps

i can feel upon my skin
that your tears have met with mine
and the earth around me shakes with your resolve
all my hope in you i find
all my heart like water poured
what is one more drop in hands that frame the world?

---Vania Brandly

Keeping the Dream Alive

The holiday season has seemed to blow in very quickly. I'm rather shocked that half a year of being a grown-up has come and gone so fast. I've applied for so many jobs and landed one. One of all the many I've applied for. One that isn't even that great. But, my future does look promising.

Monday afternoon I got a phone call from an insurance agency based in Wisconsin with offices in San Antonio. I applied for this job weeks before I applied for the one I have now. The recruiter wants to speak with me over the phone early next week. I'll just have to see how that pans out. I did also apply for that job internally. But, again, it is another one of those, "you need X amount of experience and X amount of ass kissing," to land the job. To add to that I know for a fact a guy that is currently working to rework the orders is for sure applying for it. Since he's already above me, he may be shoe in for on of the spots.

Whatever the case may be, I'm still keepin' the dream alive. California, hopefully, here I come!

Two months later

There's a wall in the middle of my office. On this wall my managers put up printed powerpoint slides about new job postings, holidays, and extra incentives. The holidays and the incentives don't really entice me to do much better. I get to work every day at least fifteen minutes early, get back from lunch about five minutes early and leave the office when we're supposed to leave. I may, occasionally, check out mentally about an hour early, but all around I'm about 95%. That's a lot more then I can say about a lot of people I work with. But, that is the real world.

So, these job postings are interesting. The main man has recently mentioned that they will be hiring six new "senior" members to do some extra things. These things include, training, monitoring, and reworking the orders we take. It would be amazing to at least have a chance at these positions after only two months at this place. Even getting an interview would be good. It would be a great opportunity. The number one job would allow me to go to California for a week to learn how to train the program I'm working on. California? Oh my! I haven't even been on a plane since I was 14!

Thinking about these things is all well and good, it's much like the jobs I applied for before landing this one; they probably require X years of experience and X years of supervisory experience, but who's to say that I can't at least let them know I want to be at that position when I'm already within the company? I'll get everything taken care of on Monday. After taking some deep breathes I'll ask that annoying girl at the HR desk if I can apply for the "Senior Sales Associate" position.

Some exercise

While I won't say I have the best job in the world and I won't say I have the worst job in the world, it gets me through the day and I get my bosses through the day. The big big bosses were in town from California recently checking up so my bosses rode their high horses today encouraging high volume everything. That didn't bode too well with lots of people. I understood and dealt with it. I'm an easy going person and had one of the best days since I've been working. That's good news, isn't it?

Well, after work I took the walk "up the hill" to where my car is parked. I thought about how my day went, what my co-workers were thinking, and finally how great the exercise was. The car was parked really far away!

Getting in the swing of things.....or so I thought

Just as I thought I had come to understand most of the people I work with, to a degree, some of them have decided to disappear on me. It's not as if they are literally part of my life, but it was nice seeing the same people day in and day out.

The job we have been doing isn't the easiest. It's rather a pain in the ass. And I understand why the people are leaving. The people that are leaving though, shock me. It's all people that I mentioned good things about in those Training Room entries and thought had the same type of outlook on life as me. It was the type of outlook on life where, "Hey, this is a job, I'll stick with it now, but hope for something better, soon." Well, I guess their soon was sooner then mine is.

Anyway. So, there's a lot of people missing. And I'm starting to get in the swing of things. It's kind of fun knowing that I am doing things right and getting things together. We'll just have to see how things are go and hope that something comes along that may be better then what I am doing now.

Tales of a Recylced Post-It

When I arrived at my desk for the first time about three days ago it was sparsely populated. There was a computer, a mouse pad (with mouse), and several sporadic notes directed towards those that were already working. Since I've been there my desk has been overrun with notes I will never use, because I am not going to get into touch with people who have these products, a few pictures of friends, kids from my previous job, and some girley office supplies.

I also introduced index cards into the line-up. Index cards worked well, unitl I realized that I could go through a good pack of 100 a day if I was working the way the management wanted me to. That's why, this weekend I went to the grocery store and stood in front of the office supply aisle for a good twenty minutes deciding which supplies to pick-up. School aged children and adults who have their jobs down to a science came and went while I picked up index cards, small post-its, big post-its, bright post its, small post-its, big notebooks, closed notebooks, open notebooks, small notebooks, and even a variety of dry erase boards. In the end I chose a variety of medium sized post-its that I could write large things on and could put all over my desk.

This all over my desk thing was fun for the first few hours of the day until I realized I have about 10 call backs to make. So, the post-its moved their way over to picture section of my desk in a timely fashion, earliest in the front, latest in the back. Post-its that would not be receiving a phone call in return were turned over and recycled.

I thought this recycling thing would work. Throughout school it was always a good thing to take notes. Well. apparently it really isn't in the real world, because the only successful part of the day was when I didn't take notes on those recycled post-its. But, as I've heard so many people say, "It is what it is."

A Blockbuster Day

Today was like my second first day at my office. We got everything set up with the computers and started doing whatever it is that we do. It was a combination of nerves, excitement, and anxiety. I put my training to use. Excitement! I know more people were able to use their product knowledge, but I used my computer knowledge over their product knowledge. This was all before lunch. I was mesmerized during the morning. Pointing, clicking, and doing my thing. It was awesome, even if I didn't "sell anything."

During lunch I spoke to some people who were as frustrated with our training practices as I was. There was no way to actually sell anything and it was just getting ridiculous. So, after getting frustrated, internally, I took everything into my own hands. I blew everyone away, I ran around looking for the right person to help me put together some of the order I did get, and racked up some of the biggest "points" of the day for our training group. I about shot through the roof of the three story building I was so excited. It was the only person I spoke to that day.

Oh my gosh. Great. So, for getting that thing put together I'm just ecstatic. So happy that one of the managers comes up to me and gives me a Blockbuster gift card. So, it literally was a "blockbuster day." hahaha. Bet you didn't see that coming!

The Post Unemployment Paycheck

I was paid for the first time on Friday. I wasn't as stoked as some of the younger people I work with who ripped open their checks to see how much money they were going to be cashing at the big white cash van across the street. While I patiently planned out my weekend, I thought about the people who haven't seen since high school or even just since May who may not be getting paid $10 an hour for sitting around for 8 hours a day to listen to random telecommunications product information. All this thinking was going on while someone was presenting new product information I should have been taking notes about.

Well, anyway. Back to the point. After plotting out the spending of this lowly check, I only spent some of it on shoes and clothing. I went out for dinner as well, just to some little place down the street where I knew the server from high school. This server was a big jerk. He was beyond the legal adult limit of sarcastic and mean. So, the last time I saw this server he said he was sorry for being a jerk and everything was fine. So, I saw him earlier tonight and he asked if I was still in school. He must have remembered I was at least in school the last time I was there to even ask. I answered him and he replied with something like, "Yeah, I graduated too, and I'm working here....but some insurance company just called me." So I sighed loudly to indicate that disappointment with both of our situations and smiled. Overall it was a five second encounter, but it let me know that not everyone I know has ended up in a place that reflects their personal strengths or abilities. That's something I really needed to know, and I'm thankful for.

A Chill Pill

I've learned some things from these training seasons. Some of the most important things I've learned from this boy that can only be characterized as a 12 year old in 21 year old's body. This person is constantly on the go, he can't stand still and has to have the last word. He gets upset when he doesn't win an argument and has to be the center of attention. If he's not he's asleep, annoying the person next to him or sipping on a small cup of instant coffee found in the second floor break room.

I honestly have gotten to the point with this character in the Training Room reality TV show that I've just rolled my eyes and moved on. I get an occasional chuckle out of him, but I don't let anyone else know. He reminds me of all the pain in the butt kids that so many of my fellow interns had to work with over this summer. If it was appropriate I would tell my Trainer some of these stories and let him know that it's okay and that it will be over soon. This situation has gotten to my Trainer a few times and he's gotten frustrated and told this guy to leave.

If I could say anything about this situation, though, I would say to everyone, "Take a chill pill, we only have 32 hours before we start our real jobs."

Oh dear God, only 32 hours until I'm responsible for a little cube, a computer, and customers, on a daily basis. All in business clothing.

Training Room: Episode 2-5

After the first two episode, a twist was thrown in. Four new cast members joined the current cast. If I had sound effects I would play them. They're all from a previous and closing project on the same floor we will be using once we all get down there. Well, wait, there's another guy from the last class as well, so five actually. The dynamics of the class were somewhat altered, but not drastically. These new cast members were awkward in the beginning, but now, nearly a week into the classes, I can say they are about as part of the cast as the rest of us. We have voted off one member of the cast. He never returned after falling asleep and being sick for three days. I didn't much care for him. It may have been the way I edited my show, but he was obnoxious and I wanted to shoot him in his face.

These new cast members, except for one, are girls. I guess this is a good thing, it will help me get my game face on once I start actually working. I'm still a bit worried about the actual job. However, having nearly 2 weeks of product training kind of makes you a little bit more comfortable with nearly 100 years worth of history for the company. That's no lie. Two of these girls can't keep their pheromones to themselves and I bet all my readers my first paycheck that they have at least had a drink with four of my male co-workers since they joined us. Another one of the new members is a hoot. She's funny and makes me more comfortable. The other I don't much care for, yet, but she does ask good questions. That's always good. Our final new addition is missing two fingers and parks his car illegally.

So, as I embark on my second week into this giant world I have learned that eating eating at the same place across the street from my place of employment isn't as bad as I thought, reading during lunch is probably close to impossible when you eat outside, and to bring a sweater. I also am a math whiz in the real world. That was the most important thing. It was amazing.

Training Room: Episode 1

If my training class was a reality tv show there would be about 20 contestants with a few memorable characters to start out the show. A few you would want to kick out right away because they just don't shut up, laugh at the trainer's god awful jokes or just smell bad. Other's are cute, have a bit of personality, aren't overbearing and just say enough to get noticed. Then there are the few that fall into the untouchables, the ones that make no impact, don't talk, and just are kind of blah. When they show up on the first day the rest of the cast is like "What do they bring to the show? I can't wait to vote them off the island...or to ally with them to vote off that annoying one who laughs at all the jokes." Well, we'll just have to see who makes it through the two and a half weeks of training and who doesn't.

A hiatus of sorts

Merriam-Webster's online dictionary defines hiatus as

Main Entry: hi·a·tus
Pronunciation: hI-'A-t&s
Function: noun
Etymology: Latin, from hiare to yawn -- more at YAWN
1 a : a break in or as if in a material object : GAP hiatus between the theory and the practice of the party -- J. G. Colton> b : a gap or passage in an anatomical part or organ
2 a : an interruption in time or continuity : BREAK; especially : a period when something (as a program or activity) is suspended or interrupted hiatus from writing> b : the occurrence of two vowel sounds without pause or intervening consonantal sound

For this entry I'm going to use hiatus as defined in 2a.

The job fair event of a few weeks ago, as painful as it was, did turn out well. I filled out an application online and received a phone call from the company a few days later. A non-solicited phone call, nonetheless. This all coming after the recruiter specifically said, "Call us, don't wait for us to call you." Anyway. I went in to this very business like building only about 10 minutes away from home after waking up way too late on Friday and was hired for some job I would never consider doing ever before by 5 pm that evening. I'll be selling telecommunication services for $10 an hour plus commission starting next Monday.

As I got off the phone with the man from HR who helped me get the job at this place, I thought I can take a break from being unemployed, something like an actor does while in between taping seasons, a hiatus while I look for something that is more geared towards what I really want to do.

Little children in a yellow house

There's this place off the beaten path where I live that kids go to play. Obviously they have to be supervised. Who's going to supervise them? Someone who wants to, and someone this place off the beaten path will hire.

This place off the beaten path was at the job fair I went to and I just filled out the application for the heck of it. I got a phone call from this place that can only be characterized as a big yellow house off the beaten path where the kids play for an interview. It was more of a screening process. I was asked a few questions, but all went well and I have a follow-up interview in about 10 hours. I hope all goes well. I could be watching the kids play, all day, for pay (how lame!).

I also came across another posting on craigslist for a development position at an animal shelter, also close to where I live. I sent them a note saying I was going to send everything in to them later in the week. They probably won't return my e-mail, which is fine, but working with dogs and cats would be a lot of fun.

So, while I'm writing this I'm thinking of the children that go to this yellow house on a daily basis. What kind of people do they like? Would they like me? But, most importantly, would the people who hire me like me? We'' just have to save those thoughts for tomorrow.

Apples and Bananas

Have you heard that song called "Apples and Bananas"? It goes something like this:

 I like to eat, eat, eat apples and bananas
 I like to eat, eat, eat apples and bananas

 I like to ate, ate, ate ay-ples and ba-nay-nays
 I like to ate, ate, ate ay-ples and ba-nay-nays

 I like to eat, eat, eat ee-ples and bee-nee-nees
 I like to eat, eat, eat ee-ples and bee-nee-nees

 I like to ite, ite, ite i-ples and by-ny-nys
 I like to ite, ite, ite i-ples and by-ny-nys

 I like to ote, ote, ote oh-ples and bo-no-nos
 I like to ote, ote, ote oh-ples and bo-no-nos

 I like to oot, oot, oot oo-ples and boo-noo-noos
 I like to oot, oot, oot oo-ples and boo-noo-noos 

And my life kind of feels like that. I like doing the same thing, just in a different way. After last week's adventures I went back to what I'm used to, looking online for things to do, apples and bananas. There were different ways of doing it though. I went to different websites and used different keywords. I applied for nearly 6 jobs and hopefully will hear from at least one of them. I even went out of my way to look for one in Phoenix. With family there it would make for a good change, but nothing too drastic. Looking at things with these different keywords and phrases was kind of like the oopples and bononos.

It was refreshing for a few minutes. I thought it may be the right move, but then reality set in and I realized that I'm allergic to apples and bananas make me poop. It just hasn't worked for me in the past. But, people grow out of allergies and grow accustomed to fiber, right? So it's worth a try.

A horrible after taste

It's come to the point in my life where even something as meaningful as the verse "“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace that surpasses all understanding will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus”(Philippians 4:6). Doesn't even give me reassurance. There are so many other verses I could find that would try to give me faith that there is a reason, control, and an end to this. But, my jaw is clenched and I've finally started to cry. I really hoped it would never come to tears.

I finally became a big girl today and drove myself downtown for my second interview with this local faith based non-profit. It was rough. I was scared. I'm not one to drive places that aren't right down the street or that are very familiar. For goodness sake, the last time I went down there someone else went with me. Well, anyway. I finished up the interview in about an hour and heard a "I'll call you by the end of the day to let you know...I have another interview." So, either way I would actually hear a "yes" or a "no." Now that I have heard the "no," I think it is better to not hear anything than to hear the "no." I want to curl up in a little ball, not because I really wanted this job, I did, but because I heard the interviewer say, "You aren't right for the position." If it was written on a piece of paper I could just throw it away. If there wasn't an answer, period, I could just shrug it off. This way, though, I have this horrible after taste in the back of my mind, all I can remember are those words, "You're not right for us." I don't know what I'm right for. I don't know if I'll ever know.

But, whatever it is I am right for, the things I'm not right for have left some horrible after tastes.

Another serving of those amazing cookies

The phrase "I hope to see you tomorrow," turned into "wear something comfortable when you come in, we're going to go to the site after we talk." That really does sound exciting. The thought of being employed, even for a year, like this, is exciting.

Excitement comes from the fact that I'll also be doing something I want to do, if I do get this job. I will be working within a non-profit and with people. There will be no computer, no telephones to answer, and a meaningful purpose. I get tinglingly thinking about it. But, I don't want to talk too much before they've said, "You're hired."

Whatever the outcome is, the feeling of someone thinking I'm qualified enough to work for them is like a long awaited second helping of those cookies your grandmother makes only during holidays. They're amazing and only come once in a while.

White Chocolate Chip Fudge

Things feel new today. As per usual for this week, I was dressed and ready to find myself a j-o-b by 10 am. The interview with the local faith based non-profit went well. There was a "I hope to see you soon," instead of the "It was nice meeting you," and a shuffle out the door. The feeling was all a bit new, kind of like the fudge I made later on today, white chocolate chip.

Let go...

While I was in Dallas I learned a lot about prayer and giving things up to God. I felt like I had done that in so many ways when I went there for the summer. I could have moved back home and started my long journey into the unemployment world sooner. Or, I could have met some of the most amazing kids, and leasons ever, first of all, giving things up.

On one of our last days of the internship, one of co-workers spoke about the his graduation and what he was struggling with. Was he going to go work some entry level marketing position or was he going to go with his heart, mission work? The struggle he fought really struck me. It stuck with me. I never did get around to saying thank you to him, though. Thank you to this co-worker for letting me that it is okay to tell God that, "I don't know what to do. Please help." And sometimes you have to wait for an answer. This whole situation that I am in feels like a really long waiting period. Way too long. I pray about it and seek out answers by looking for opportunities but so far things haven't quite come together.

While things haven't completely come together, I have gained enough confidence to at least stepped out of my comfort zone of monster.com, craigslist.com, and careerbuilder.com. Earlier this week I did go to that job fair and today I spent a good chunk of the day out and about trying to find something to do. First, I went to a pretty large job fair put together by the newspaper and then hopped, skipped, and jumped over the highway to a temp agency. The temp thing may be a good step, but we'll just have to see. I have something else to look forward to.

I returned home to a message on the answering machine. Apperently, people do, sometimes, leave voicemails. After resolving some issues over an e-mail. I set up an interview for tomorrow with a local faith based non-profit for another internship like position.

Letting go is very hard. Sometimes when you think you've got it all "gone" it really isn't. Asking God for direction is hard too, because, we are human and are blessed with insecurities, self confidence issues, jealously, and all those other bad things. But, then I remember that one verse that my summer began with, "For I know the plans for you." Jeremiah 29:11.

That lying bitch!

This weekend I took the initiative and dug through the newspaper for job fairs/lame jobs I could handle. I ended up going to a job fair about five minutes away from my house. The perk was that it was about five minutes away from my house, and that was about it. I got all dolled up and went over the hills and through the woods to this place we shall call Boring Insurance Company (BIC).

Well, BIC's job fair was basically shuffle the applicants in and out, fill out an application online at the site and schedule an "assessment" for a later date. There were so many damn people there that they told us to fill out the application at home. So, I procrastinated a lot and filled it out about an hour ago. Woohoo! Yet another online application.

So, online applications are fun. You can be whoever you want on your application. Anyone you want. You can be Mother flippin' Teresa or Paris mother fucking Hilton ... if you know how to answer the questions right. Since I did get a degree in psychology I decided at the start of the job hunt that I better not lie on these things because tests catch liars. But, now it seems like liars get farther ahead in life then people that don't lie. Based on this conclusion, I decided to lie during the BIC application process. I was all psyched up to lie on their personality section, but turns out I can't even pick the right questions to lie on. I suck at life, apparently. The question was, "How long was your longest job?" Yeah, I can't even lie about that. So, damn! When I clicked the continue button the nice little screen that is the equivalent to "It was nice meeting you," came up. I just about cried. First, you make me sit around in shoes that give me blisters for two hours and then tell me I don't qualify for a job because I haven't held a job for a year because I just graduated from college? Eat shit. On to the next job.

At least I have a tiny bit of a chance at an AmeriCorp position at a non-profit downtown. Good lord, please call me back.

While I was stewing my wonderfulness that was the BIC experiment this weekend I got a hold of this amazing quiz, the ICI American Civics Quiz. It was fun, and I think everyone should take it. It made me feel like an even more of a failure. And I couldn't lie.

I think the moral of this story is that I cannot tell a lie and that even when I try to tell a lie I fail. So, if there is someone who wants to hire someone who is a new graduate and honest, I'm out there.

Different verse

It may sound like I'm whining about not having a job, and to some people I talk to, it is. Even two posts into this blog some may get turned off. I'm sorry. I'll shed a tear when you stop reading. I feel like it's adding a new verse to the song of unemployment, though. Yesterday's verse was the introduction. Today's verse is about the life of an unemployed college graduate.

It does get old, I mentioned it before. Hearing Barbara Walters and Joy Baher talk about their lives without husbands and how lovely it is is just painful. I mean, seriously I don't give a rats ass what famous person or what rich Italian Jew you slept with. But that is what I watch in the morning. Not that I don't like the View. I love Elisabeth and Shari. I want to be Elisabeth. Since the day I found out she was blonde and conservative I knew I would like her. After rolling out of bed at 11, I eat my fruity cheerios. They are the highlight of my morning, maybe even my day. Who can say that their breakfast is the highlight of their day, honestly?

Along with cereal being the highlight, I also enjoy a good hunt on craigslist for a job that I won't be getting a call back about. Yesterday it was a match support specialist for Big Brothers and Big Sisters of South Texas. Today it was something more minimalistic, an adoption specialist for a large animal adoption agency in the area. Granted, I did send it at 4:30 in the afternoon, I hope that pouring my heart out about my puppies will help my case for a job. Whatever it takes, you know?

I don't know if I can pour my heart out about insurance claims though. I did apply for a job with All State insurance today, as well. I always get afraid of getting near monster.com. I really don't think they'll look at my application. It's worth a try though. I can't say I didn't put it out there.

I'll do whatever it takes. It's going to have to do pretty soon. That's what the second verse of the song will be. ""Whatever it takes."

An Unsettling Feeling

Well. I'm coming to you from the comfort of my bedroom for the past nine years. Yes, that bedroom. The dreaded bedroom of youth. It's that same bedroom that I had sex, smoked pot in for the first time, and studied endlessly throughout high school. Two of those are lies. You decide which two. This bedroom is very unsettling, much like the feeling of unemployment. I have changed my bedroom. I have many pictures of my college years. There are pictures of my many friends and I drinking, a few shot glasses, and pictures of children from my internship that I hoped would lead me to greener pastures. Two of those are true. You decide which is the lie. Another part of this unsettling feeling is the fact that I don't know when its going to go away. It needs to go away soon. But, how I don't know.

So, let's take a look at how this all started. I did graduate from a division III NCAA school. I have the diploma to prove it. Two days after my 23rd birthday I trekked up to Dallas, Texas, from San Antonio, Texas, at the height of the NBA finals for a non-profit summer internship that I could have turned into an 11th month adventure. Not to say it wasn't an adventure, it was an amazing thing. I gained many amazing friends and experiences I wouldn't trade for anything in the world. I question my decision to not jump at the chance to apply for the year-round position in the middle of the summer. I stood by quietly, much like I usually do, and said to myself, "Maybe someone else should have it." I mean, $11,000 and food stamps for a year during basketball season in Dallas sure doesn't sound like a good career move, does it now Spurs fans?

And that leads us to the most recent series of events. After my internship, and a few months after the Spurs won their fourth championship, I made the trip back the San Antonio. I started the job hunt quickly. Seriously, I even got a phone call from some woman in Dallas about a Case Manager position for the YWCA. That was a ginormous bust. I was so stoked about that for a while. I've learned from the past few interview (there have been three) not to get my hopes up.


My hopes are about to break. I'm not one to give up on God. I'm one of those people who listens to those stories of people who give up on their faith and have always thought of life as a "plan." When I feel like life isn't going the way I thought it should, I think, "Oh, the plan." No worries. If I were to get upset about plans, I would have been upset by the time I was 11. I was never a cheerleader, I never had that mustang, and I sure as hell never had that hot football player boyfriend. I didn't get married straight out of college and neither did I get that dream job. I think it's the job thing that's getting me the most upset.

After I got settling back in this bedroom where I'm writing tonight, I bought three books. Velvet Elvis, Searching for God Knows What, and This Beautiful Mess. I decided that I wanted to start reading since I didn't have any school books to read anymore. I breezed through Velvet Elvis. I liked it. I took a break from Donald Miller after reading Blue Light Jazz. I had heard so many great things about him in Dallas. And, when I saw Searching for God Knows What on one of my co-worker's beds over the week we were at camp, I thought it would be a good read. I guess I got burned out because I haven't picked it up in a while. I picked it up again today, after thinking that maybe God may be why I haven't been getting where I need to be. Maybe my first interview was a fluke, my second one was with a place I didn't want to work, and the third was with a place I didn't need to be at the moment. But, now, without getting any calls for a week, and still sending out resumes, and searching for things left and right, God may be saying I need to look at him for the answer instead of all these websites and staffing agencies. Of course, I can use these things as well, but maybe I need to be looking to Him in combination. I just need to give it a chance again.

I feel like I'm running out of time though. I mean, there's bills to be paid. A hospital bill due on the 4th, insurance, a credit card, and a cell phone bill to pay. These are all things that the second I graduated were all my burden. Oh, and don't forget that loan that needs to be paid. Goodness. I just want to scream! So, maybe that's where the unsettling feelings are coming from. A combination of all these things. Whatever these combinations are I'll be in this room for a while.

There's a light at the end of the tunnel... shining bright at the end of the tunnel...keep holding on...just keep holding on now. -Third Day