A horrible after taste

It's come to the point in my life where even something as meaningful as the verse "“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace that surpasses all understanding will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus”(Philippians 4:6). Doesn't even give me reassurance. There are so many other verses I could find that would try to give me faith that there is a reason, control, and an end to this. But, my jaw is clenched and I've finally started to cry. I really hoped it would never come to tears.

I finally became a big girl today and drove myself downtown for my second interview with this local faith based non-profit. It was rough. I was scared. I'm not one to drive places that aren't right down the street or that are very familiar. For goodness sake, the last time I went down there someone else went with me. Well, anyway. I finished up the interview in about an hour and heard a "I'll call you by the end of the day to let you know...I have another interview." So, either way I would actually hear a "yes" or a "no." Now that I have heard the "no," I think it is better to not hear anything than to hear the "no." I want to curl up in a little ball, not because I really wanted this job, I did, but because I heard the interviewer say, "You aren't right for the position." If it was written on a piece of paper I could just throw it away. If there wasn't an answer, period, I could just shrug it off. This way, though, I have this horrible after taste in the back of my mind, all I can remember are those words, "You're not right for us." I don't know what I'm right for. I don't know if I'll ever know.

But, whatever it is I am right for, the things I'm not right for have left some horrible after tastes.